Just Kate
by WriterLeigh
Summary: "I've spent so long hiding behind a badge that I don't know who I am without it and I think I'm finally ready to find out." An alternative ending to 'Always', disregards the Caskett ending and explores a different way forward for them.


**Author Note:**_ So there I was getting nicely into a pattern of posting my updates every day when my computer unceremoniously decided to die on me. Fingers crossed, everything is working again now though! _

_This is yet another post-Always fic, but it disregards the Caskett-y ending of the episode and is an alternative take on how things could have transpired between them. I've left it open to write a further chapter or two, if you guys want it. I hope you enjoy :)_

_Oh, and I also have a tumblr now and if anyone would like to follow me, the link is in my profile._

_-Leigh_

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**Disclaimer:**_ I think it goes without saying that I'm not Andrew Marlowe. I only wish I had a small degree of his creative genius._

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**Just Kate**

"Kate," He mouthed her name silently, staring at her with a slightly transfixed expression on his face. "Detective Beckett," Castle said finally, in a voice which betrayed little emotion. Of all the coffee shops in the entire city, it had to be a cruel trick of fate to have them meet like this after the way he'd left things. He forced a smile, uncomfortably dragging his gaze away from her eyes and instead scrutinising her appearance. She'd lost a lot of weight over the past month and it pained him to see it, her face was more drawn and her eyes had lost that familiar sparkle. The dull ache in his chest confirmed that he still found her beautiful (not that he'd have doubted it for a second); even dressed in a pair of track pants and a white tank top, her hair up in a messy bun.

"Hey Castle," Her words were spoken softly, almost warily as if she was afraid of him. "How are you?" Her eyes hungrily searched his, although she didn't know what she was expecting to find reflected back. Disappointment coursed through her system when he couldn't quite meet her gaze.

"I'm-" Castle hesitated, searching for a word that wouldn't sound empty and inwardly cursed when he came up short. Of all the times for his writer's vocabulary to fail him. "I'm okay," He settled on eventually, realising she was still stood there, eyeing him expectantly. "How are you? How are the boys?"

Kate's brow creased into a frown at his line of question and she had to steel herself before answering, "I'm fine, they're - fine," She finished unconvincingly and Castle's eyes narrowed slightly because both times she said it, her words had held the same kind of weight his 'okay' had and they both knew it. The truth was Kate didn't know how to answer; she was barely keeping her head above the water and she hadn't seen Ryan or Esposito in what had to be two weeks now. She'd thanked Ryan for saving her life and apologised to them both for the impossible position she'd put them in but it did nothing to assuage her guilt. She simply couldn't face them. "How are Alexis, and Martha?" Kate enquired after Castle's family because she cared, but also as a means of diverting the conversation from herself.

"They're good," Castle replied, a ghost of his former smile flitting briefly across his lips. "Alexis is enjoying preparing to fly the nest and I wish Mother would do the same because I could use the peace and quiet," He gave a forced laugh, but as a trained observer Kate again noted, the grin didn't quite reach his eyes.

'I'm glad to hear it,' The reply was on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't quite seem to form the words. "Have a coffee with me?" She asked instead. The words were out of her mouth before she could convince herself it was a bad idea, and she anxiously dragged her bottom lip between her teeth, registering the way his eyes seemed to cloud over with sadness. "Please?"

Castle was deliberately avoiding her eyes, "Don't do this," He said, fixing his gaze on a point somewhere above her left shoulder; anything to avoid looking at her because he knew if he did, Kate could convince him to fly to the moon and back and he would. "I meant what I said Detective, I can't be around you anymore, I can't watch this case put you in the ground. I won't, because I'd never forgive myself if I did." He finished resolutely.

"I know, I should never have expected you to," Kate answered, pausing to try and collect herself, "And it's not Detective anymore. It's Kate, j-just Kate," She twirled a stray tendril of hair nervously around her finger. At Castle's initial brush off she'd averted her eyes, training them firmly on the floor but now she glanced back up at him, hoping to get her point across. "I left."

"Left?" Castle repeated, suddenly slack-jawed as he tried - and failed - to process what Kate had just told him. "Say that again?"

It would have been altogether rather comical, were the circumstances not so painful for them both. "I left," Kate said clearly, "I quit, threw in the towel, I'm done Castle, with the case and with the NYPD," Her words came out flat and she was now biting down on her lip so hard, he was surprised she didn't draw blood. "Anyway-" She started, an overwhelming feeling of loss creeping up on her and settling heavily somewhere between her chest and her stomach, "You were right, it was a dumb idea."

Her words were muttered and Castle had to lean forward slightly in order to be able to hear her. By the closeness of their proximity, he could almost taste her familiar scent- cherries, mixed with a hint of coffee and something else he just could not place, but that was so unmistakably Kate. "I'm - I'm just gonna go. I guess I'll see you around."

Kate ducked her head in an attempt to hide the tears that threatened her vision, turning on her heel to leave. She'd made it as far as the door but was prevented from going any further by a hand on the door handle, "Since when did Kate Beckett ever give up on anything?" Castle asked incredulously.

"Yeah, well maybe it's time to stop chasing after lost causes," She said, swallowing the tears that clogged up her throat and although she was staring straight at him when she said it, he got the impression that she was talking about more than their situation.

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Neither of them spoke again until he was seated across the booth from her. Castle pushed her coffee across the table to her and she gave him a small unsure smile in response, before sipping from the cup. The silence stretched between them for what felt like an age - but in reality couldn't have been more than about a minute - until eventually Kate could stand it no longer. "So- how's Nikki?" She ventured, settling on a safer topic to begin their conversation, "When can we expect Frozen Heat to hit our bookshelves?"

Castle took an all too large mouthful of his coffee, trying to formulate a response. He gasped as it burned his windpipe going down and Kate was unable to prevent herself from rolling her eyes as he started to cough. She pushed some napkins across the table for him to mop up what he'd managed to spill. "Your guess is as good as mine," He told her finally, leaving her momentarily thrown until she remembered; she'd asked about Nikki Heat. "I haven't exactly written a lot lately, and by a lot-"

"You mean nothing at all," Kate guessed, finishing his sentence for him. "Well I guess some things never change," She quipped, but it had clearly touched a nerve when it didn't even raise a smile. "Well what do you usually do when you can't write? Aside from waiting for Post time at Belmont in your underwear, of course."

Castle gaped at her slightly, "I cannot believe my Mother is still bringing that up," He muttered, though his lips had turned up into a half smile. "And for the record it only happened a few times." It seemed to have broken the ice somewhat and he felt a little more relaxed in her company.

"Hey, I'm not judging," Kate answered back, hiding a smile behind her coffee cup, as she lifted it to her lips, "Whatever inspires you."

From her tone Castle couldn't determine whether she was being serious or sarcastic. "A change of scenery helps," He said, going back to her initial question. "It's why I'm here now - that and I thought I might be arrested for murder if I stayed around Gina any longer." At the mention of his ex-wife's name, Kate's brow furrowed slightly and the smile on her lips became distinctly forced, but if Castle noticed he didn't comment, "Can you believe she turned up at 7am and has spent the entire morning watching me write?" He continued incredulously, and she felt herself let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding. "It's-"

"Creepy?" She supplied for him, "I guess you know how I've felt for the past four years." The banter between them still felt completely natural and for the first time in a month, she felt something other than the hollowness that had filled her chest cavity and refused to dislodge itself.

"Do you have any idea how off-putting it is to have someone making disapproving noises in your ear every time you stop typing?" Castle protested, his brow creasing as he scowled into his coffee. "At least I was helpful!"

"Half of the time," Kate admitted grudgingly, "The other half meanwhile was spent spinning crazy theories and making inappropriate remarks. And I'm not even gonna start on the influence you had on Ryan," The grin on her face softened, "God knows why I got used to having you around." She briefly touched his arm, not surprised when he pulled away and picked up his cup.

Castle swallowed the mouthful he was drinking, "Do you think you'll ever go back?" He asked suddenly, his eyes intently focusing on her as he tried to gauge where Kate was at in her head because he still couldn't wrap his mind around her no longer being a cop.

Kate stared back at him, recognition dawning in her eyes because she could tell what he was thinking. Hell, even she'd woken up some mornings and forgotten; it was only when she went to clip on her gun she remembered. "Well I'll never say never," She answered honestly offering him a wry smile, "It's been my life for twelve years, that's not easy just to walk away from, I don't know if I even can - but I've spent so long hiding behind a badge that I don't know who I am without it and I think I'm finally ready to find out."

Castle opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by his phone buzzing into life, music from 'Jaws' resonating out of his pocket. "Gina," He correctly interpreted Kate's raised eyebrow and answered the unasked question. "What do you want?" Castle turned his attention to the call, not bothering with any pleasantries.

From across the booth Kate could hear Gina on the other end of the line, although the volume wasn't loud enough for her to be able to make out the conversation. "No Gina, I hadn't forgotten," Castle finally managed to get a word in, although his tone of voice very much suggested otherwise. He wedged his phone between his ear and shoulder, tugging up a shirt sleeve to check his watch, and letting out a small huff of frustration. Kate wasn't sure whether this was due to Gina, or the fact that he'd clearly lost track of time. "I said I'd be there okay? Oh, and feel free to let yourself out," He added irritably as an afterthought, before disconnecting the call.

"Somewhere you need to be?" Kate asked, arranging her face in what she hoped was a neutral expression and trying not to let her disappointment show.

"Meeting with Paula in-" He checked his watch again, "twenty minutes. That was Gina calling to remind me that - and I quote - she'll have my balls for earrings if I make her late for her hot date." He winced at the prospect.

Kate had to stifle a grin at his evident discomfort, "What are you still sitting there for then?" She teased gently, but he showed no intention of moving. "Castle?" He looked up at the sound of his name, "Maybe we could do this again?" Kate ventured hesitantly, the awkwardness between them seeming to have returned tenfold. "You know, if you want to," She was rambling now and forced herself to stop her leg jiggling beneath the table.

He seemed to be fighting some kind of internal battle with himself, but "Or you - uh - you could join me for dinner sometime?" Castle volunteered quietly, testing the waters because this new Kate was definitely going to take some getting used to.

It seemed that she was as surprised as Castle was that he'd suggested it, but slowly Kate's lips curved up into a small smile; it didn't make everything okay, but it was something to build on. "I'd love to," She answered, suddenly feeling shy around him.

He drained the remainder of his coffee, standing up from the booth and putting on his jacket, well aware that he probably wasn't going to be on time. He looked down at Kate, who was still sat in her seat, both hands wrapped around her mug. "I'll call you," Castle said awkwardly, breaking the intense silence that lingered, "Until tomorrow, Kate."


End file.
